


Our wonder hangs above our fear

by justhockey



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Evan "Buck" Buckley Loves Eddie Diaz, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Jealous Evan "Buck" Buckley, Love Confessions, M/M, No Angst, Self-Indulgent, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:28:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24670819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: Buck used to sleep around to feel something. To feel a rush. To feel wanted or needed or important. It was like his drug. Kissing people, sleeping with them, it gave him a buzz.When he finally kisses Eddie, everything just feels calm.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 30
Kudos: 521





	Our wonder hangs above our fear

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _The Heart That Slows Down_ by Canyon City.

They’ve had the shift from absolute hell; an apartment block had gone up in flames and the top three floors had been trapped. When they finally make it back to the firehouse it’s dark outside, and they’re dirty and exhausted. There is nothing Buck wants more than to just to go home and sleep. 

Chim, however, insists that they all go out for a few drinks. 

“Come _on,_ we all need to blow off a little steam after that shift,” he says. 

They’re all changing in the locker room after scrubbing the filth off in the showers. Chimney has way too much energy for Buck’s liking, and he lets out a tired groan in response. He can barely stay standing while he buttons his jeans, never mind going out for a few drinks. (A few drinks is never ‘just a few’ when Chim is involved.)

“Chim, man, I don’t _have_ any steam to blow off. I’m steamless,” he replies. 

Everyone slowly turns to look at him with raised eyebrows. He glances to Eddie for support but he’s smirking and avoiding eye contact. Traitor. 

“I’m _tired,_ ” he amends. “We’re all tired. We just spent four hours in a burning building.”

Eddie and Hen nod in agreement, but Chim is shaking his head. He walks up to Buck, only stopping when he’s directly in front of him, then places his hands on Buck’s shoulders and begins to shake him. Buck kind of feels like one of those bobble-head figures but he’s honestly too physically exhausted to even try and support his neck. 

“You’re gonna break him,” Eddie laughs, but does nothing to stop the assault. Again, traitor. 

“Don’t be such a spoilsport, Buck,” Chimney complains. “What would Maddie say?”

Buck rolls his eyes. “Maddie would thank me for sending the father of her unborn baby home at a reasonable hour.”

Chim scoffs, lets go of Buck and steps back. “Good job she’s visiting friends out of town then, isn’t it?”

Which is how Buck ends up pulling into the parking lot of some bar downtown, in the same clothes he showed up to work in this morning, with Eddie sitting in the seat next to him. 

When he parks the car and shuts off the engine he groans, letting his forehead rest on the steering wheel. He’s fighting off a yawn and is about ready to hold his eyelids open with matchsticks. Eddie just laughs beside him, reaching out a hand to pat Buck’s thigh gently. (He suddenly feels a lot less tired, but he plays it cool.)

“Come on, one drink and then we can ditch,” Eddie tries to coax him out of the car. 

Buck turns his head so he’s looking at Eddie but still resting on the wheel. He raises his eyebrows in disbelief. 

“What?” Eddie asks, laughing. 

“I don’t buy your ‘one drink’ bullshit for a single second,” Buck says. “You’re gonna find a girl to dance with and then I’m gonna be stuck waiting to drive your ass home.”

And like, okay. Buck is fully aware that he sounds jealous and petty, but like. It’s _true,_ okay? Every time they go out some hot-as-hell girl ends up dancing with Eddie, and Buck is stuck watching while the tightness in his chest grows worse and worse. 

And it’s not like Buck doesn’t get hit on, okay? He _does._ He’s just. Not interested anymore. Therapy made him realise a lot of things, and among those was the fact that he uses sex as an unhealthy coping mechanism. As a way to forget about other things going on. He’s not going to do that anymore. 

So as much as he would like to take someone home and fuck them until he falls out of love with Eddie, it’s not possible. 

“Dude, as soon as you’re ready to head out just say the word, okay?” Eddie says. 

His hand in still on Buck’s leg and he’s smiling tiredly and fuck, Buck is in love with him. Couldn’t deny him anything. So he groans ever so dramatically, then climbs out the car and slams the door behind him for a bit of extra flair. 

Plus, it makes Eddie shake his head and laugh. So. Worth it. 

The bar is too loud, and too hot, and too busy. Buck wants to leave the second he walks in. But Eddie is a calming presence behind him, so he lets Eddie place his hand on Buck’s lower back and guide him through the mess of people until they find the table that Chim, Hen, Karen, Bobby, and Athena have occupied. 

He greets them all with a wave, and slides into the booth next to Karen. It’s immediately clear that everyone expect for Bobby and Athena are well on their way to being drunk. Karen leans on his shoulder and Chim and Hen are engaged in a heated debate about, lightbulbs? Buck doesn’t even want to know. He’s also impressed with how quickly they must have drank. 

“What do you want?” Eddie asks. 

He’s still standing, leaning down right into Buck’s space so Buck can hear him over the music and the chatter. He smells like the shower gel at the firehouse and Buck _wants_. He takes a deep breath and focuses on what Eddie was asking him because he’s far too tired for all of this. 

“What?” He asks, yelling a little to be heard. 

“To drink? What do you want?” Eddie yells back. 

“Just a water, please,” Buck says. 

Eddie gives him a look of surprise, but doesn’t question it. He just nods his head and sets off in search of the bar. 

Buck listens as closely as he can to the conversation going on at the table, but quite frankly, by the time Eddie finally returns with their drinks Buck is still as clueless as he was when they first arrived. 

Eddie slides in next to him, the entire length of his body pressing hot against Buck. He’s instantly glad he only ordered a water. The exhaustion that’s weighing him down is already doing a number on his inhibitions, alcohol would just make it about a million times worse. 

He takes the cold glass from Eddie’s hand and thanks him with a smile, doing his utmost to ignore the way their fingers brush together. Fuck. He feels like a twelve year old experiencing a crush for the first time. 

“What did you get?” Buck asks, gesturing to the glass in Eddie’s hand. 

Eddie has to lean close again to hear Buck, and when he replies _‘just a coke’_ Buck has to take a sip of water to stop himself from choking. He can _feel_ Eddie’s breath against his cheek. 

It’s a lot, to say the least. But here’s the thing: Buck wouldn’t have it any other way. Loving Eddie is staggering. It’s something that Buck was worried he would never be able to do again, after Abby. So even though he knows it will never happen, at least he knows it’s possible. At least he knows he isn’t _broken._ And there’s no one else Buck would rather have unrequited feelings for. 

But like Buck predicted, it isn’t long before a stunning girl with curly black hair is approaching their table. The conversation has changed to something else now, but Buck has barely been listening, just sipping his water and enjoying the weight of Eddie against him. But his attention immediately shifts to the girl when she stops next to Eddie and rests a hand on his forearm. 

She’s like, mesmerising, if Buck is being honest. He can’t hear what she’s saying, but Eddie clearly can because he’s nodding along as her mouth moves. Buck forces himself to look away, he’s not about to cock-block his best friend. Except. The girl smiles and nods, and then walks back over to the dance floor. And Eddie stays put. 

“Aren’t you gonna dance?” Buck asks. 

Eddie smiles and shakes his head. “We said only one.”

He lifts his almost empty glass up to emphasise his point. 

“Buddy, you could have danced with her,” Buck says, feeling half guilty, half relieved. 

“Nah, I’m good here,” Eddie replies. 

Buck knows what he means. He knows he means with their friends, all of them, the group. But god. He’d be lying if he said his heart didn’t falter at that statement, his breath didn’t catch in his throat, his cheeks didn’t flood with colour. 

He nods and smiles and looks away, because what else can he do? Kiss him? No. Definitely not. So he sits with his friends, and he laughs and joins in with their conversation, and tries not to think about much he’s in love with his best friend. 

The second he’s swallowed his final mouthful of water he feels Eddie’s elbow digging into his ribs. He looks at him and raises his eyebrows in question. 

“You ready to go?” Eddie asks. 

_Yes._ Yes, yes, yes. 

Buck is so tired is head feels all floaty, and the rest of the group - bar Bobby and Athena - are most definitely drunk. So Buck nods a little too enthusiastically and stands up, ready to leave. 

“Noooo,” Karen whines. 

“Where are you _going?_ ” Chimney slurs. 

“Home,” Buck laughs. “I told you I was too tired.”

“Don’t steal Eddie too,” Hen chirps in. 

“Sorry Hen, Buck is my ride.”

Eddie is standing behind Buck when throws his arm around his neck as he speaks, letting his chin rest on top of Buck’s shoulder. He has to remind himself to breathe when Eddie’s cheek briefly brushes against his own. 

“Drive safe,” Athena warns.

They manage to escape without any more opposition, and like when they arrived, Eddie guides Buck back out through the bar, this time with both of his hands on Buck’s shoulders. God. He’s gonna be the death of him. 

The fresh air that hits them the second they step outside is heavenly. Buck breathes deeply as they walk back to his jeep. He’s most definitely _not_ unaware that Eddie’s arm is still slung over his shoulder, but he’s doing his absolute best to ignore it all costs, lest he fall flat on his face. Eddie seems completely oblivious to the effect he’s having on Buck. 

“I am beyond ready to get in bed,” Eddie groans when they’re finally sitting in Buck’s car. 

“I’ve been ready for hours, it’s you lot who dragged me out,” Buck says. 

And he’s complaining, but not really. Because he loves them all, they’re his family, and he’s more than willing to give up a few extra hours of sleep in order to spend time with them. (He just doesn’t want _them_ to know that, and he’ll deny it if anyone ever asks.)

“You love us,” Eddie replies, grinning at Buck as they pull out of the parking lot. 

Buck can’t help but laugh, because yeah, he really does. One of them in particular. 

“Maybe,” he teases, and he doesn’t have to look at Eddie to know he’s rolling his eyes. 

“You caved _way_ too easily,” Eddie points out. “You wanted to come.”

He reaches out for Buck’s thigh again, squeezing it almost painfully. 

“Ow, fuck off, I’m driving,” Buck says, but he’s laughing. 

“Admit it,” Eddie demands, squeezing even tighter. 

He’s smiling so widely and Buck feels kind of intoxicated even though he hasn’t had a single sip of alcohol. He shakes his leg trying to get Eddie to let go, but Eddie isn’t budging. 

“Do you _want_ me to crash?” Buck asks. 

“I trust you.”

Eddie says it so easily, so casually, like it’s not a massive fucking deal. And maybe to him it isn’t, he’s been showing Buck how much he trusts him ever since he let Buck into Christopher’s life, but still. It kind of floors him every time Eddie says it, anyway. 

“You won’t be saying that when we hit a tree,” Buck replies before he lets his mind wander too far. 

Eddie laughs again, bright and cheerful, and Buck’s heart fucking stops, or whatever. Eddie relents and stops squeezing Buck’s thigh, however, he doesn’t move his hand away as he changes the subject onto Christopher’s parent-teacher conference next week. 

The ride goes quickly, but then again, time always does when Buck is with Eddie. Everything feels so simple and natural. So before they know it, they’re pulling to a stop in front of Eddie’s house. Christopher is at his Abuela’s so no one is home and all the lights are out. Eddie doesn’t move to get out of the car, he doesn’t even pull his hand away. 

“Here we are,” Buck says. 

It fucking awkward as hell and Buck would probably kick himself for saying it, but Eddie just smiles and glances past Buck to look at his empty house, nodding in acknowledgement. 

“We are,” he agrees. 

He’s just looking at Buck like he’s waiting for something, but Buck doesn’t know what it is that Eddie wants. His hand tightens ever so slightly on Buck’s leg, the movement so small that Buck probably wouldn’t have noticed it if he wasn’t already hyper-aware of the way Eddie is touching him. 

“I didn’t want to dance with that girl,” Eddie tells him. 

Buck doesn’t have a single clue where Eddie is taking the conversation, and if he didn’t know any better he would probably guess that Eddie has had a few to drink. But Buck does know better, and Eddie _hasn’t_ had anything to drink. And he’s holding Buck’s leg and looking at him like _that_ anyway. 

“Okay?”

He’s not sure what he’s supposed to say, and Eddie looks uncharacteristically nervous. Like. Buck doesn’t think he’s _ever_ seen Eddie nervous before. But Buck can feel his hand twitching, can see his other hand picking at the seam on his jeans, and Eddie can’t seem to maintain eye contact for longer than a few seconds. 

“I wanted to dance with you.”

He’s not looking at Buck when he says it, but Buck’s breath still catches in his chest anyway. It’s probably nothing, Buck has to tell himself. 

“You’ve see my dancing, bad idea buddy,” Buck says, laughs it off. 

Eddie closes his eyes, scrunching them a little, and Buck instantly feels like he’s said the wrong thing. 

“No, Buck,” Eddie pauses, takes a breath. “I wanted to _dance with you._ ”

And like, Buck isn’t exactly a genius, right? But he’s not stupid either. And that inflection, the way Eddie is looking at him? Holy _fuck._

“Holy fuck.”

It’s absolutely not the right thing to say, he knows that, but he’s kind of blown away right now. It’s like, the most incredible, terrifying, exhilarating thing that Buck has ever heard. But then Eddie is pulling his hand back and Buck can see him shutting down so he has to do something. 

He grabs Eddie’s hand before he moves it out of reach, holds it in between both of his hands and pulls it close to his chest. He looks down at them for a moment, in complete awe. But then Eddie twitches nervously and he looks back up. 

Eddie is _blushing,_ and it’s so beautiful Buck almost chokes. 

“I would have said yes.”

“What?”

“If you’d asked me to dance,” Buck explains. “I would have said yes.”

Eddie’s eyes widen and a smile starts to tease at the corners of his mouth. He looks hopeful and fucking _stunning,_ and not for the first time, Buck just _wants._

“Really?”

Eddie sounds so unsure Buck can’t quite believe it, can’t believe that Eddie could ever doubt how much Buck completely _adores_ him. Eddie asks it as if he can’t believe Buck could want him, and that’s beyond absurd to Buck, because how could _Eddie_ want _him?_

“Of course,” Buck replies. 

His voice is barely above a whisper, but it feels like it echoes in the space between them.

“This might be a bad idea,” Eddie says, but his eyes are already glancing at Buck’s lips. 

“It might be,” Buck agrees, “but I think it’s worth it.”

“Me too,” Eddie whispers. 

And Buck used to sleep around to feel something. To feel a rush. To feel wanted or needed or important. It was like his drug. Kissing people, sleeping with them, it gave him a buzz. 

When he finally kisses Eddie, everything just feels calm. 

It’s like the whole world falls silent so it can bear witness to this moment.

Everything feels still except for the way their lips move together and the way their hands caress each other. It feels like everything Buck has been waiting for for his whole life. It feels like coming home. 

“I love you,” he says. Then, “Sorry, that was way too fast.”

Eddie is just smiling, his fingers threaded into Buck’s hair ever so gently. 

“I love you,” he replies. 

“Yeah?” Buck asks, breathless. Hoping. Wanting. 

“Yes,” Eddie promises with a kiss, “Always.”

And it _might_ be a bad idea. Things could go wrong and they could ruin everything. But for some reason, Buck thinks everything will be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> This is soft and self-indulgent because the world is a really rough place right now, for a million different reasons. So I hope you are all safe, Black Lives Matter, trans men are valid, trans women are valid, non-binary people are valid. I love you all<3


End file.
